The Bleak Agitation
The tale of an unwanted human, it was in the middle of the night, Naida, trying her best to fall asleep, she had school in the morning, it was a hot summer’s night, the fan was turning pretty fast, she started staring at it, it required mental effort but she was able to imagine it moving slowly and slowly…, each wing moving faster and ahead from the previous one,“ Oh I should sleep or else I’m gonna be miserable in the morning”, she whispered to herself.
She was feeling the heat, it was rather hot than usual, she was restless “It was unusually hot today”, as she said that, she turned to her left side and hugged the pillow tightly, and tried to sleep…a thought popped*, “There’s gonna be an entrance exam, in the coming months, I should do something about it…I really want to get into a good university ”, she was a rather good student and have been getting good grades throughout his life, but the feeling to knowing something was just wasn’t enough, she kept on pondering about this future and was now being anxious, she mumbled in kind of low pitch voice,“ I should probably do something about, I don’t even what the exam is gonna be like, what’s gonna be in it, what would the exam sheet feels’ like, where would it be held, what if I miss it? , what if I forget to even take it?” ….There was some silence*.
It would be like, even if she knew, she was going to win and it has been announced, she will still, worry about whether it was the right race?…
She could hear her heartbeat, clenching her fist*…she looked up, shut her eyes closed, pushed the pillow below her head, and put it on her face, “fuck…, why does…. it have to be…me, it’s the same thoughts … all over, why can’t I just have ….. normal thoughts”, as she was cursing herself and her problems, she couldn’t hear herself, all she heard was someone was mumbling about stuff, she put her hand on her chest and felt that the heart was still beating fast and loudly, but now she could cope with it, it felt more bearable, after a while, she just fell asleep, nothing special happened…
Her room was not very big, there was a single bed in the left corner, a table on the right side of the bed, a folding wooden chair in front of the bed, there was a closet on the left side of the room and it had a mirror attached to its right door, there were no windows, the bed was grey colored, while the closet was white, the room was rather dull, it didn’t have any bright lights, there was just a bulb, that lit up the room,….it’s 6 am*, her alarm was ringing, she snoozed it and went back to sleep, she repeated this for a few times and than waking up at 6 40am…
She went to the bathroom, which was attached to her’s and parent’s room, she was being anxious about the day ahead, she didn’t know what to expect, she didn’t want to base her expectation on past experiences, and she didn’t have any breakfast, just tea…
“Naida, you should eat something, you’re gonna be at school for quite a few hours, you also don’t even take lunch with, at least….eat something before going” her mum.
she was a kind and caring mother, she could be pushy at times,“ It’s okay, I don’t even feel that much hungry”, said Naida while sipping her tea…
“Ohkay, do as you wish, it’s the same narrative every time” her mum replied with a stern tone,“ okay, I’m going, bye”, Naida left for school with her father, her school was not far away, they had reached their within few minutes, Naida and her father were not very close intimately, as she was with her mum, she got out from the car, said“goodbye Abu”(father), father smiled “Have a nice day”….
She took her bag from the back seat, walked towards the gate, said hello to the guard and went inside, as she was walking towards her class, she was feeling a little weary, nothing had happened yet, she was feeling anxious, as she approached the class, the teacher saw her, and she locked eyes with her and asked for her permission to enter, “Yes…come in” said the teacher, she recoiled back a bit from the board.
she looked around and saw an empty seat at the back, as she was going towards that empty chair, she could feel other students staring at her, as she sat down, she could hear people talk,and she heard her name , being spoken several times, she tried her best to act normal, she bended downwards, opened her bag and stared inside the bag for a few seconds, than got up and pulled a notebook and a pen, there was still some time for class to start, so she started to scribble and write things on it,“ hey…can you sit somewhere else”, as she heard this, her heart dropped and without saying anything or looking at the person whom said it, she just got up and went to the far left seat at the back,“ you forgot your register” , said the same person, “yeah…thank you”,she looked at her face and recognized her, “I don’t have…like anything against you, it’s just that, you know, the group that you belong to, is the problem so…you understand na” said Alesh in a slow pace with pity in her eyes,“ Yeah….I..understand, it’s okay” replied Naida..
She was trying to act normal, she wanted to look occupied, she wanted to look like she was not bothering anyone, she was doing her own thing, she just wanted…to blend in the crowd, her heart was beating fast, nobody could hear it, expect her, “Every body, stand up for the national anthem…” said the teacher in a stout manner, Naida looked around and saw everybody standing except her, so in a state of a hurry she got up but her register fell, she got down to pick it up, “Oie, can’t you hear the anthem, stand up and stand straight” the teacher shouted while looking at her…
In shame, she stood up and straight, she wanted to but couldn’t look around, at the faces of other students, she heard chuckling, she knew it was for her when the anthem was over, all sat down…. the class was rather big, the walls were whitewashed and there were about six ceiling fans, three on each side, the class teacher, Mrs.Irfat wore glasses and if you looked at her glasses you could see all the lights present in the classroom, Naida noticed this a while back and felt weird that she could see all this reflected in her glasses….
The class was going as usual and she was restless as ever, today there were going to be elections in class for the monitor, and there were to be three candidates for the position, two were popular girls of the class Waaj and Aisha while the third one was Naida, she was feeling anxious about this, both candidates were going to other students, teachers and were campaigning for themselves thought the first half, every teacher that came to the class taught less but listened to their speeches more, both the girls were confident in what they had to say and everybody harkened for them when they finished, “don’t you have something to say for yourself…aren’t you also a candidate?”, said the chemistry teacher in a mocking tone, while putting out his hand towards her, Naida trying to make eye contact with the person who just asked her something, in a state of frenzy, she got up and said “N..o, I’m… fine, I didn’t really prepare anything…”
“Well you should have, now.. sit down”, replied the teacher in a low voice as if feeling pity,“ Cmon, you should’ve prepared something, said something, why ..why did you even, enter into the competition?” the sitting next to her asked, Naida turned to her right, looked at her but didn’t reply, she just felt a pressure on her chest and tried to look her in the eye but couldn’t, “May I… go to the washroom,” asked Naida in a low tone, the teacher without even looking at her, consented and, she went to the washroom…
She could feel, like all the students in the class were staring at everything she does, as if she is guilty of some crime and the class is the jury, she looked in the mirror above the washbasin, the washroom was not very extravagant it was small and there were only two toilets, and one wash basin, she opened the water tab, washed her face and as the water was dripping from her face, she looked at her face in the mirror, and asked the same questions that were raised at her by others, “Maybe… I should’ve not entered and kept…. my emotions to myself, in control” she thought to herself, when the class teacher announced that monitor is going to selected by an inter-class selection and there is going to be at least 3 candidates, 2 candidates jumped on the opportunity and gave their names, and they needed third one, So, few days passed and No willing prospect came forward, Naida saw this and got really excited, she thought , “Maybe I…should give my name, for once…I could compete in something, it’s okay even if , I don’t win…people in class, will know me, that I exist just like them”, maybe it was unwise for her, but she did it anyways without taking in considerations other things, as the days passed , she saw other two candidates campaigning and talking to other students and teachers, she had no prior relationship with anyone, she tried to talk to one girl, who use to sit in the first row of the class, Naida approached her, in hesitation she asked “Would you..like to vote for me?” ,she stopped what she was doing and started staring at her face…,“ I don’t even know your name” she replied.
“Oh, yes…sorry, My name is Naida, I usually sit …at the back ” she said reluctantly
“yeah, I know you, your that non-muslim girl, na…” said the girl.
As she heard that, she felt nervous, and just wanted the conversation to end and forget about everything, “Yeah, I’m that…” she replied in a low voice.
while reading something, she answered, “Yeah, sorry then I can’t vote for you”…
Naida quickly turned and went back to her sit, she just wanted to forget what had happened, and she hoped that Nobody heard their conversation, it just made her not talk to anybody, and she wanted to disappear…
she just wanted to be part of the crowd, it just suffocated her that she was never a part of it, it was as if everybody was part of some big social party and she was never invited to it…
she just started blaming herself, for everything, she couldn’t then was able to talk to anyone, and after that, she didn’t approach anyone, she just wanted everybody to forget that she was a candidate…
The first six periods went by in an instant, and everybody was excited for the last period, then came the promised event, there was a stack of ballot paper present beside the ballot box and it had three names on it, Aisha. Waj. Naida…
The class teacher was sitting on the right side of the class and the ballot was placed on her left side, just before the commencement of the elections, the teacher was talking with the students sitting in front of her and said to them, “Vote for the Muslim one, it’s better to have a Muslim monitor…”
The elections began and everybody voted one by one, it was a popularity contest and heavily biased towards some individuals, when the box was opened and votes counted, the vote count was announced in front of the class and she only got one vote…which was herself
Note to stranger: Sometimes, we are so blind , that we forget that the thing that you are using, to segregate, tell you to introduce merit, and you are an extremely tolerant person, the best thing is we are able to have extremely uncomfortable conversations without anyone getting offended or hurt, and thank you for just listening and reading….
